from Kid Turboni Brings the Rain by Mark J. Costello

Genre: Comedy, Dramedy

Request this monologue

As their city, Albuquerque, endures a scorching draught and heat wave, 11-year-old project-dweller Billy tells his friend Kid Turboni about a legendary figure who once brought rain to his people in "the Zone." (This monologue has been edited to remove interrupting lines from Kid.)

(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)


So, Smack Turkenson, first American hero. Once upon a time, in the days of old, Smack Turkenson looked out on the dry, sun-scorched streets here in the Land of Enchantment and saw that the people of the Zone were thirsty, and unhappy, and it made Smack Turkenson thirsty and sad in his own right, for Smack is many things, including pathetic.

Smack Turkenson slides down the stairs in his torn denim jacket and beat-up All Stars, then moonwalks down the street to take Mother Nature by her ear. Says: "Listen, mama. We got to have words, because the way you treatin' my people, it won't fly. People need water to live, because plants and oxygen, if you follow my drift. And coyotes, what are all getting stranded in empty swimming pools."

Mother Nature says to Smack Turkenson: "Smack, I hear you, and my heart's breaking, but just because it's dry in the ABQ doesn't mean it isn't crazy-wet somewhere else. Why should I take someone else's rain and give it to you?"
Mother Nature steals Smack's words away with her deep and ponderous question, but Smack is undeterred.

Smack says: "I am undeterred, for the people of the Zone are your people as well as mine, and why wouldn't a mother help her children?"

Mother Nature is confused by the depth of Smack Turkenson's wisdom, but she won't be having any foolishness. She says: "I would very much like to give you rain, Smack Turkenson, but it must be earned, or stolen, and I don't think you're a thief."

Smack hears the truth and bows to it, but as he walks away down California Street toward Sunshine Market, he hears Mother Nature sighing the sighs of a broken heart for her heat-struck sons and daughters in the ABQ. Emboldened by her love, he opens his mouth wide and shouts: "RAAAAAAIN!" and down come the drops, one, two, three, a million. ABQ gets fulla water like a bathtub and what we don't need gets washed out down to Mexico (read: MAY-he-co), for our brothers south of the border.

His victory complete, he spreads the shreds of his sweet torn denim jacket and flies into the air, leaving behind streaks of red, white and blue, because, you know—America.

Smack's not been seen since, but to this day, children confused and worried by the heat pray to Smack Turkenson, patron saint of escaping the Zone in style. And so ends the greatest of Smack Turkenson's miracles.