from Creature Features (Modern Day Mutants) by Christian Kiley

Genre: Comedy

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When Cyrano is bullied by The Normals, instead of fighting back, he makes fun of his own nose.  He uses clever comic exaggerations and eventually is able to drive The Normals away. Cyrano's monologue is a modern day spin on the character Cyrano De Bergerac, who uses the same type of humor to fight his enemies.

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Before you attempt to rip me apart with your ridiculously predictable and far from scathing barbs, let me just say, in regards to my nose. . .It is like the facial version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, an imperfect monument. When I get old and need help walking, I will be able to detach it and use it as a cane. When playing billiards, we will always have a cue! My face is a murder weapon twice, once in its ugliness to behold, and the second in the mortal wound that it can inflict with this dagger here. When I sniff, I destroy cities. I can rent out a nostril to store airplanes, cruise ships, and small countries.
When Italy turns up missing, check my left nostril! The cost for the surgery to repair this monstrosity would mire me in lifelong debt. If you wanted to purchase my nose you would need to go through a real estate agent or perhaps two. It is a big deal! My sneezes are given names like hurricanes. Bears hibernate in my nostrils and sometimes they can’t find their way out. I think there is also a litter of puppies up there. If my nose were floating in the ocean it could easily be an island. “Land ho, Australia!” And there is nothing that you have said or will say that shines any light on the issue.