It is date night in Consumption, New Jersey. Burton, 14, arrives at his girlfriend, Mandy Chedderhawk’s trailer fully expecting another evening of hand-holding while they watch male figure skating. Mandy’s mother is out this evening at Bingo and won’t be home for hours. Mandy suddenly admits to a crime of eating 150 boxes of Girl Scout cookies; she tries to get her boyfriend, Burton, to help her cover up the evidence.
(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)
I’m so ashamed. Burton, close the door.
(He closes the door.)
Good. Please dim the lights.
(He dims the lights.)
Don’t think I’m a bad person but I ate them all. You have to help me hide the wrappers. My mother is going to be home from Bingo any minute and we need to hide the evidence. I ate them all, Burton. I’m a terrible person. I ate the Thin Mints, the Do-si-dos, the Trefoils, the Tagalongs, and even the Carmel Delites. And I don’t even like the Carmel Delights. No one does I’m never going to get that cookie connection badge now. I’ve let down everyone. Everyone. Mad Dog, Toastito, Rashida, Miss Lick, my grandmother, the whole troop. My mother is going to kill me. I mean really kill this time. She’s got a temper, especially after Bingo. Once when I lost my retainer, she had to be restrained and tranquilized. Not really. But I had to slip some Benedryl in her Snapple just to get her to calm down. Stop laughing. I’m serious. I think I may have eaten a thousand dollars of crap this evening. Maybe we could go to the A&P and buy a bunch of fake cookies and stuff them back into the boxes. No one will know the difference. We’ll sell them to your Aunt Dotty. She’s blind and she’s always liked me. It’s such a rip off anyway, 15 cookies in a box for four bucks! Obscene! That’s almost 24 cents a cookie, Burton. Do you think she has a thousand dollars? She’ll never know the difference. Burton, I can’t kiss you right now. I’m feeling a little nauseous. It’s not you. It’s the thin mints.