Phil Steen

from The Baseball King by Amelia Ross

Genre: Comedy

Request this monologue

David, high school student, enters carrying a sign that reads, FREE COUNSELING WITH DAVID SHEPHERD.  He never (ever) speaks.  Phil Steen, the ultimate high school jock from a rival team, enters, making sure no one else sees.


Hey David. Remember me? It’s Phil Steen.
The Giant you knocked out with a baseball!
I shouldn’t even be talking to you cuz, well, it’s you I need to talk about. But no one else will listen. And I know you won’t make fun of me if I tell you. You see, ever since you knocked me out with that baseball, everyone’s been laughing at me. Kids used to hand me their lunch money in the cafeteria. They used to throw themselves against lockers when I walked down the hall, just so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. But now, they call me sissy. They throw things at me. They, they...
(David hands Phil Steen a card.)
DON’T LET IT GET YOU DOWN. I don’t need a pep talk. I want my dignity back. I wanna teach those losers a lesson.
(David hands him another card.)
GET IN A FIGHT. Closer. But I don’t want to get my hands dirty.
(David hands him another card.)
TELL EVERYONE YOU BEAT ME UP. You’d really let me do that?
(David nods.)
Wow, David. You’re the kindest, sweetest guy in the whole world.