There's a war on between the boys and the girls, but Terry has brought a spy into Guillermo's command tent-—his friend Samantha, who is pretending to be a boy.

(Warning: Using this scene without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)

(Terry enters.  Samantha tries to follow, innocuously.)

GUILLERMO: Terry!

TERRY: Guillermo?  Sup, man?

(They bro-hug and exchange an intricate fist-bump.  It takes quite a while.) 

Saw the tent from three blocks away.  So what's all this war stuff?

GUILLERMO: Where you been?  You missed the declaration and everything!  The invasion of Chester Drive!

TERRY: I just got back from a theme park, man!

(Drew looks up at Samantha, who just waves politely.)

GUILLERMO: Twisted Terrace?

TERRY: Even better.  Arroyo Hills.

GUILLERMO: That is sick.  Did you go on the Twistawhirl?

TERRY: Only six times!

SAMANTHA: Only twice, more like.

(Terry throws her a sour look.)

GUILLERMO: Who's that?

TERRY: Oh, that's my friend Sam.  He's really shy, so don't worry about him.

SAMANTHA: Yeah?  (A beat.)  I'm wicked shy.

GUILLERMO: Oh.  Well, alright.

SAMANTHA: So why'd the war start?

GUILLERMO: The girls engaged in biological warfare.

TERRY: Whooping cough?  Measles?  Le Grippe?

DREW: Cooties.

TERRY: Wow.  They weaponized it?

GUILLERMO: (Pronouncing "Marie" as in "Curie":) Absolutely, maggot.  That Marie Eggmond girl was working on something, and everyone started getting sick.  But only boys.

SAMANTHA: Marie would never—

TERRY: I am NOT a maggot.

GUILLERMO: It's just a saying, grunt.  No big. 

TERRY: Anyway, I thought cooties was just a myth!  Like if you don't find anyone to take to prom, you hafta take your sister.

SAMANTHA: I've never heard that before.

DREW: Wait, what if you don't have a sister?

GUILLERMO: Wait, what if you're a girl?

DREW: What if you want to take your sister, but then you would have someone to take, so you couldn't, but—

(Everyone stares at Drew after this one.  A beat.  He smacks his typewriter back into position with a loud DING.)

SAMANTHA: So we're just at war with the girls now?  Forever?

GUILLERMO: I don't know how long this war will take.  But it's only war that brings peace.

SAMANTHA: Umm, only peace can bring peace.

GUILLERMO: I don't know if I like your new friend, Terry.  He's not very good at being shy.

TERRY: Sam has a point, though.  What if we...what if we found Marie, and had her engineer a cure?

SAMANTHA: Or got the girls to have a peace talk?

GUILLERMO: Peace talks would be excellent.  While we had them, I could flank their entire army.

TERRY: So we could—

GUILLERMO: But do not tell them I'm surrendering.  You have to get them to the table first.

TERRY: Ah, man.

GUILLERMO: Hey, if you don't like it, we could always use more cavalry.

SAMANTHA: Calvary?

GUILLERMO: All you need is a shopping cart, we provide the broom.  Just make sure it's not one with the wheels that lock when they leave the parking lot.

(No response from Terry.)

We learned that the hard way.  Open offer, maggots.