Ian and Tanner

from For (Sandwich) Lovers Only by Owen Stone

Genre: Comedy
Cast Breakdown: 2 males

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Teenager Ian has a date, which is not a usual occurrence for him. His best friend Tanner is helping him get ready.

(Warning: Using this scene without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)

TANNER: Okay. Here we go. This is it man. Jeez, why am I nervous? It's not like I'm on a fast moving train, with no brakes, heading for a nuclear power plant. I wish you could've gotten this out of the way a few years ago like a normal person. Here, brush your teeth.

(He hands Ian a toothbrush, and Ian begins brushing.)

Now spit.

(Ian spits in the sink.)

Okay, what else? Hair, teeth...pits! Gotta remember the pits.

(He pulls out spray deodorant and sprays an excessive amount under Ian's arms. As Ian inhales the fumes, he starts coughing.)

IAN: Dude, can you stop this? No matter how much you do to make me look good, she's still not gonna be glad to see me.

TANNER: Would you shut up? Do you know how often I hear you complain about not having a girlfriend and not being good enough? Well this is your chance. You've gotta stop doubting yourself. This girl definitely doesn't want you thinking you're not good enough. She's let you advance this far: that means she likes you. Now if you can just shut up tonight, you'll be fine.

IAN: (Picks his tie off the counter:) What could she possibly want with me? She's pretty, she's smart, she's cool. I mean the only reason she agreed to this date was because she was having family problems or something.

TANNER: Either way dude, you've gotten this far.

(Ian puts the tie around his neck and starts fidgeting with it.)

You've got a date. She at least has some interest in you—now you just gotta build on that.

IAN: How do I do that?

TANNER: (Takes over with the tie:) I know this sounds like a stupid concept, or something your mom would say. But you gotta be yourself. You've seen those romantic comedies where the guy tries to be all cool to impress the girl? She pulls into the gas station he works at. He tricks her into believing he doesn't work there, that he's super rich and actually owns the BMW he's working on.

IAN: ...And the only reason he has grease on him is because he just got done saving a family and their dog from a burning vehicle?

TANNER: Yeah, all he has to do is say, "sorry, there must be some misunderstanding" but no, he lets her believe it. And then halfway through the film the girl finds out who this guy actually is and she gets all mad at him for lying to her and she says that he should've just been honest in the first place. It happens every single time! I mean haven't the characters in romantic comedies ever actually seen a romantic comedy? I say you skip all of those stupid antics and just be yourself. Learn from all of those dumb movies.

IAN: Come on man, we both know that she's way out of my league.

TANNER: Ian, there are no leagues! The idea of leagues is just a lie designed by muscle-headed jocks to oppress guys like us. They put us in a category, a lowly, awkward, unattractive category, and then we stay there believing that that's all we're worth. If you believe that she is out of your league, then she is. She is way out of your league. But if you stop thinking about all of that, you can get this girl. You can be her man. Now come on, you're gonna be late.